November 29, 2009

Perfect Sunlight

Hello.



Why would someone want to change their life? Why is everything so complicated? Everything just seems to lose its simplicity when I am around. Everything. I guess I dont know simple.

I wish it was just that easy.

I wish I were able to shape it into words ; the words are only imprisoned deep inside. I am not sure I even know them. Venting is not working, I couldnt arrange the vague letters ; whats inside is hidden & coated with invisible threads. If screaming were going to help moving the feelings out, I would have screamed. If I believed the tears would tell whats wrong, I would have let them drown my fears. But no. It wont do. How can somebody cure what they dont know? How can you grasp a feeling in your palms even if you know what is it?


Its immaterial.

The burning sensation down my throat is not though. I just want some days off from my own self. Indescribably , I need to press pause on my fast clueless mess of a life. Like I said; I am all about complicated. I always get this untitled feeling when I catch a glimpse of reality, when my parallel world ceases to let me see. When I open up my eyes. My reality is nothing like my imagination. And I think I just lost the link between the two worlds, I am stuck in between whats real & whats not. Its now hard to tell the difference. And now I am an alien more than ever. But what if there is more? I mean my life cannot be just about what it was and what it is now. There has got to be something more. I know it. It cannot end like it began. It just cant. Its not right, not at all. I wish I'd stop wandering with my mind because I think Im losing it, some boundaries must be set or I will be utterly locked up in my dreams. If I know one thing ; its that I am really scared. Scared of everything & everyone. This circle of denial I am following is consuming whats left of my patience. I am tired of the long everlasting wait for something dazzling & breathtaking to save me.

Yeah. Dreams.

I am as fragile as an autumn leaf & I cant help it. The gloominess overpowers my defenses & the usual mental fight begins. Its funny how a sneak peek to reality can make you so jaded & weary. But still I am making believe that I can still do it & that I am good & dandy. Can anything be more tormenting?



2 Days
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