Hello.
Stress is one feeling that I absolutely loathe & can not stand. It is the ultimate enemy that can cause your motivation & your hope to fade into thin air, I have been going through one hell of a yo-yo state these past whole week.Why is that?
Stress.
That invisible force that keeps on demolishing everything you're working for. I am stressed. Every single living cell inside me is bound by this unexplainable pressurizing sensation & its too much. I feel like running till I have no breath left to keep me going, I feel like screaming till my voice fades out. But that wont help me figure anything out I know what I want. I know how to get it, but why the hell am I confused? I spent the whole morning talking to myself in full volume, I do that when I am super stressed out & can not find any other way. I make the voices in my head manifest & bring the conversations out loud, seems crazy I know. But thats me anyway & I dont mind it. I spent the whole day listening to crossover music with piano, some way to relieve me of this great stress I have been going through. I LOVE PIANO (!) My favorite musical sound ever :) I am actually doing all the thinking part here while I am writing so when I say that I actually got addicted to them you have to be sure that its perfectly impulsive. But now that I am facing the end of a long long day I am still stressed. I still am compressed. There comes the question that you've been asking yourself all along, why are you feeling like this in the first place?! Well, I have no clue. There are a thousand ways that could lead to this stressful phase, & I dont know which one in particular. Is it the exam results? The genuine fact that I havent studied anything that I was supposed to be studying? Need to lose weight perhaps? Am I afraid not to go on with it & return back into my old ways? Is it H? Or that I wont be seeing my dad for a pretty much long time? Maybe I am just fed up of everything & everyone that I turned into an apathetic brat. How about friends? The idea thats been growing everyday in my head that I barely have any true friends, that everybodys just fake as fake can be. Family? Nothing is stable, or people? Absolutely, people are all about confusion and instability. Loneliness? Pfft.
If I tried to enumerate every possible reason that could cause this stressful sensation I could use up hundred pages. So I'll stop here cause I dont know. Just so you know, I am not upset. I am not angry, no. I am only stressed out. Petrified of the unknown, maybe cause all this time I have been convincing myself that I have a clue when in fact I dont. I am clueless. I dont get it. I'd be lying if I said I understood whats going on. My lifes spinning so fast, I cant breathe. Theres no more time to analyze things, to try to understand. & if I tried to process everydays situations & problems I will end up clueless again. Maybe theres a bigger picture. Maybe I am not supposed to understand. Maybe I am destined to just notice & give no reaction. Destiny. Huh. We're back to the start. Am I trying to defy fate? But fate cannot be defied, cannot be modified. Its what God intends for you. And its you who's got to choose the right path instead of the wrong one. If there's one thing I know & am sure about is that I wont choose the wrong path. Not anymore. I've done mistakes, I am imperfect. But now that I know better I'll just use my judgement, which I highly believe in. Its not the wrong that I am afraid to choose, its the unknown thats worrying me. How am I supposed to cope when I am all lost? Okay I am thinking. What about faith? Isnt it the only comfort when you're all alone & afraid? I guess the answer is yes.
Destiny. Kismet. Fate. Fortune. Faith.
A chain that probably sum up into one thing. Its funny how I had no idea what the hell was I talking about five minutes before & now Im just so deep into understanding it. All I got to do is have faith in how things are going to end up. The word Kismet is now taking over my cloudy mind & clearing up everything. I'll vent my way out. I will find my own path.
