Hello.
"Because I cant take it anymore, because its hard, because I can get fed up too, because I am tired, because I dont know how to retry, because I guess I dont belong to people, because all I think about is them & because I dont know them all the same.
"Because I cant take it anymore, because its hard, because I can get fed up too, because I am tired, because I dont know how to retry, because I guess I dont belong to people, because all I think about is them & because I dont know them all the same.
Because I am a stranger, because I need a reason, because there is none, because its heartbreaking, because incentives never come my way and thats because I am different or maybe I am not after all.
Because I cant fight, because its not fair, because thats how it works, because I need somebody, because I am hollow, because its not my day, because it never is, because I want it to be and because I really deserve a bunch.
Because I am mentally suffocating, because there are those barriers, because I cant cross them, because my anger gets the best of me, because I cant change anything, because I am intolerant, because everything remains as it is.
and mainly because this is life."
I wrote this in class while I was waiting for my friends to come so we can leave. I caught myself frowning & irritated so I had to ask myself why was that! So basically these were the reasons if they do make any sense. Lately I have been feeling miserable, the school atmosphere is really getting on my nerves. The people are not the same, the subjects are getting harder. I know a lot of people but I am friendless, we havent even started the hard parts in our subjects but I can feel the weight already. Believe me its so heavy & I am the friendly robot when it comes to people in school ; I hardly ever feel anything towards anyone there. I am stranger than ever there. I like the idea of school when I am home, but the moment I step inside I experience this rush of frustration. I dont know. I just long for understanding, always have been. I am busy now but the weird thing is that I really am bored more than ever & I dont get any comfortable thinking about this. I just need something new, someone new. But as I previously stated ; incentives are not frequent occurrences in my world, usually they are just false alarms to raise my hopes up high then crash me down low. I need a sound solid one now to keep me going. All I could possibly do now is hope; like I havent been hoping my entire life. But again, thats really the only thing in my grasp; to urge the fates to throw a motivation my lane. A wish.
Meanwhile I havent completely surrendered, the unimproved me wont take dissatisfaction for an answer so I came up with some ideas to keep myself refreshed & feeling better. They will not cause drastic changes though but they will matter eventually & thats all I can hope for. I really did not like how I've been feeling since I started school, but I will do anything to prevent this from being a constant factor during the whole four years.
I CAN!
Another thing that saved me was a small block note that helped me vent anywhere when I was on the verge of breaking down. Its like a small friend to keep me company when the black cloud hovers over me. Trust me, its not over yet. Its far from over. My birthday is due in three weeks & Im kinda excited for that : )
