November 30, 2009

Utter Awe

Hello.



I just couldnt accept the fact that most of my delighted friends will be busy & away for my birthday. Not to sound so ignorant, but it is not like how I imagined it would be, not at all. But what can I do? Macam lah dia orang tak ada hal lain. Haha. At least my family will be here for me. I thank God for that : ')

Anyway, Im in Adel's house with Aizad waiting for Amy to pick me up. She is approximately three hours late already. Should I call it off? Haha, no. Because I just want to get out from this house. I had enough staying in doing nothing for almost a day & a half. I swear, I could murder myself. Especially when Aizad's around. We would fight fight fight fight all the time. I got migraine already, thank you very much. But yeah, we're siblings & I still love him no matter what, aww. Haha.

I got to go now, catch cha soon , bitch!

1 Day
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November 29, 2009

Perfect Sunlight

Hello.



Why would someone want to change their life? Why is everything so complicated? Everything just seems to lose its simplicity when I am around. Everything. I guess I dont know simple.

I wish it was just that easy.

I wish I were able to shape it into words ; the words are only imprisoned deep inside. I am not sure I even know them. Venting is not working, I couldnt arrange the vague letters ; whats inside is hidden & coated with invisible threads. If screaming were going to help moving the feelings out, I would have screamed. If I believed the tears would tell whats wrong, I would have let them drown my fears. But no. It wont do. How can somebody cure what they dont know? How can you grasp a feeling in your palms even if you know what is it?


Its immaterial.

The burning sensation down my throat is not though. I just want some days off from my own self. Indescribably , I need to press pause on my fast clueless mess of a life. Like I said; I am all about complicated. I always get this untitled feeling when I catch a glimpse of reality, when my parallel world ceases to let me see. When I open up my eyes. My reality is nothing like my imagination. And I think I just lost the link between the two worlds, I am stuck in between whats real & whats not. Its now hard to tell the difference. And now I am an alien more than ever. But what if there is more? I mean my life cannot be just about what it was and what it is now. There has got to be something more. I know it. It cannot end like it began. It just cant. Its not right, not at all. I wish I'd stop wandering with my mind because I think Im losing it, some boundaries must be set or I will be utterly locked up in my dreams. If I know one thing ; its that I am really scared. Scared of everything & everyone. This circle of denial I am following is consuming whats left of my patience. I am tired of the long everlasting wait for something dazzling & breathtaking to save me.

Yeah. Dreams.

I am as fragile as an autumn leaf & I cant help it. The gloominess overpowers my defenses & the usual mental fight begins. Its funny how a sneak peek to reality can make you so jaded & weary. But still I am making believe that I can still do it & that I am good & dandy. Can anything be more tormenting?



2 Days
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Happy Sixteenth, Emylya!

Hello.


Today is the 29th of November, & its Azura Emylya's birthday! I've known her early 2009 in school to be exact. Its funny how the way we got close. She made the first move inviting me to tag along with some Form 4's to KL. But then it ended up just the both of us cause the rest had problems. Haha , we got along real well, which Im thankful for because she's seriously different than others ; super shrieking funny & never ending laughter. She is the most wise friend I've ever had, & she's like a mother to me. No offense, haha.

Sometimes she could be a pain in the ass for her awesome blurness. Its like you have to repeat fifteen times for her to capture every word you say. But still, I love her to bits! Even if we dont hang out like we used to nowadays, we'll still remain the same. Dont worry Emylya ♥



Happy sweet sixteenth birthday.
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November 28, 2009

Gossip would be better than pictures

Hello.





So I went out today with Nurul. Its been long, way long. Way long before YOU had your first sex with your boyfriend. HAHA , God I hv no life talking about nothing that actually make sense -_- Sorry. So back to where I stopped, its been looooong since I last saw Nurul. 2004 perhaps? Anyhoo, hang around Sunway , watched New Moon. & my jaw dropped macam apaaa je when ah Jacob showed his new hot body *drools*. I mean like I've seen it in trailers & all but everytime when they show Jacob shirtless, I think everyone in the cinema 70% focus on those six packs! I pity Edward for losing over Jacob & I pretty much pity Jacob for falling for Bella who I pity, too, for being in a very complicated situation. Haha, now I pity you guys for being confused :P This post aint actually about the movie, New Moon, so I shall stop & continue about Nurul!

She hasnt grow much since I last saw her. She's still petite as ever & sadly there werent any pictures :( Sigh. But I had fun, loads of fun.

3 Days
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November 27, 2009

End with the History

Hello.





As you can see , I've created myself a new wish list : ') Im so proud, haha. Yeaah, I thought the old one was a bit... old or I might say, lets leave it in the history. So, I just changed a little.

I got an early birthday present from my dad, he gave the present to Aizad, & he eventually gave it to me today so he could teach some of the technique. I loved it, thnk you Babah! I knw you're reading this, when you get back from Haji. Hmm, I missed him a lot. And as its very hard to say, I miss my step mum too. I hope they're doing fine. It is sharp three in the morning now & I have to wake up early tomorrow. Goodnight, love.

4 Days

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November 26, 2009

Raya has been full of Riot.

Hello.



I broke up with H early this morning. Well, I guess it wasnt true enough & we didnt even really have faith in each other. What to do. Better call it off than lying to each other, no? Plus, he is sitting for SPM this year & its him who wanted to end it, so better follow what he says than giving him more pressure.

I slept around five in morning? Mum woke me up around eleven, cause one of her friends are doing an open house to celebrate Raya Haji. What an enough six hours sleep lah kan. So I went, & I met Andre -_- Ew. The last person I would eventually want to meet (!) But what a small world, pffth. My mum's friend knows my stupid asshole with no brain friend's family. Wow. Luckily they went back early. I had kinda fun hanging with the oldies. Got to take my mind of something that I wouldnt want to think about, especially in this condition. Gah, this post is damn boring. Im sorry, I just dont know what to say but just bloat about what Im actually feeling. Sigh.

So to not make you fall asleep, I shall end this post, &

Selamat Hari Raya.
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November 25, 2009

Easily Done

Hello.

I have no idea why everyone's addicted to Tumblr. Maybe I dont get it why because I dont even know how to fucking use that retarded thing -.-' Sigh. Anyhow, its 2.17 in the morning & I still cant sleep. So Im just gonna bloat anything thts in my mind now, k?


You're One Lucky Girl When Your Boy :

  • follows you when you walkout.
  • calls you back when you hang up.
  • hugs you tight when you punch him.
  • kisses you when you nag.
  • Watches chick flicks with you. Tolerates your crying over love stories.
  • Passes booze night just to listen to your ranting.
  • knows how to say 'Im Sorry' & always tells you 'I Love You'.

Now we can say that boys are seldom made..


sort of

Limited Edition.
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November 24, 2009

Make A Wish, Bitch

Hello.


Since my birthday is approximately within six days, I created myself a wishlist, hihi


Honestly, it took me about two hours to do this thingymejig. Heh. I know its too much, but what to do, I cant help myself. Haha.

♥
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November 22, 2009

Im Lying

Hello.



Of course
Im in love
with you
darling.Justify Full
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November 21, 2009

The Retarded Couples

Hello.




Party Shop, 1730

Maria was on the phone with the customer who was ordering for a costume.


Maria : Okay, then please do come here on Mondo, eh I mean Monday.
Customer : *silence*
Adel & I : HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA


In The Car , 2250

The radio was playing the song Ne-Yo featuring Flo-Rida. Adel wanted to said Chris Brown, but instead..

Adel : Eh lagu nii Chris Rock nyanyi eh?
Andrea & Akem : Apa kau merepek doe?
Adel : Chris Rock kan?
Andrea : Huh?
*few minutes later*
Adel : Eh silap! Chris Brown! HAHAHAHAHA.
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Happy 25th

Hello.

Just wanting to say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIA (!)
You rock as :
A wife to my brother
A mum to my niece
A sister in law to Aizad & I.
I love you, kakak ipar ♥
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November 20, 2009

People Used To Call Me Anal Girl

Hello.




Im back, bitch.



Stand by.


Yeah, you heard me.
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November 18, 2009

Minus Four




Everybody
Is Always So
Fucking Fine.

BUT WE ARE NOT.
Sometimes, we are hurt, bruised & nearly completely shattered.
And this, sir, is not what one calls fine (!)
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November 17, 2009

Having You Is the Finest Thing That Has Ever Happened.

Hello.



Today I was thinking about my blog, & how I started this blog which has now become a part of my life & daily routine. It was one discussion with my friend over blogging, & that he wants to start a blog soon, that clicked this idea. And since I was totally free at that time (as I was bed-ridden because of the accident), I started this before he did. But I really feel, it was that discussion that gave me the inspiration to start this. The initial idea was to kill time, but now its much more to me. So, I just want to thank that friend of mine : ) Hihi.
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November 16, 2009

I Promise, I'll stfu

Hello.


I Miss You,


& it fucking sucks because I know I shouldnt.
But I am, & it hurts.
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November 15, 2009

Its A Mother Daughter Thang

Hello.


I was chatting with my mum for a bit, wondering how's Norbert & her. Yeah, I miss them loads. Its fun being in KL living the life with the jendul brother, but heh. I'll survive :p


Drea says:
Norbert mcm mana?

Amirah says:
norb ok
dia rindu andrea
Drea says:
Hehe , why lah? : )
Amirah says:
dok dok tanya nak beli apa utk awak nyer bday
Drea says:
HEHEHEHEHE , if you ask me, there's alot :P
Amirah says:
mengada
i said...sikit jer

Drea says:
Haha buy me new phone je lah :p
Amirah says:
gila

HAHA, my step dad misses me! Aww. Adel & Maria has poof! away to Langkawi this morning & Babah has arrived Mekah , sigh. I miss everyone already.
I dont want to cry,

cause I knw Im strong.
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November 14, 2009

What A F-ing Day

Hello.

God, today has been a total disaster. I didnt do anything, but I just felt so.. unhappy. Finding out that my own friend is talking behind my back, the guy I like is being such a jackass, & in fact my mum & Norbert has become a zombie! The house was so silent, they were speechless about something which I didnt know! Im so going to get to the bottom of this. Anyhow, the house was blacked out for three freaking times, & my laptop is on without a battery so of course it blows off when the electric has been poof away, for three times! I cant wait to sue those electricity people for not giving us warning! -_- Ah, I have to sleeeeep, byes.
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November 13, 2009

Friendless Robot

Hello.


"Because I cant take it anymore, because its hard, because I can get fed up too, because I am tired, because I dont know how to retry, because I guess I dont belong to people, because all I think about is them & because I dont know them all the same.
Because I am a stranger, because I need a reason, because there is none, because its heartbreaking, because incentives never come my way and thats because I am different or maybe I am not after all.
Because I cant fight, because its not fair, because thats how it works, because I need somebody, because I am hollow, because its not my day, because it never is, because I want it to be and because I really deserve a bunch.
Because I am mentally suffocating, because there are those barriers, because I cant cross them, because my anger gets the best of me, because I cant change anything, because I am intolerant, because everything remains as it is.
and mainly because this is life."

I wrote this in class while I was waiting for my friends to come so we can leave. I caught myself frowning & irritated so I had to ask myself why was that! So basically these were the reasons if they do make any sense. Lately I have been feeling miserable, the school atmosphere is really getting on my nerves. The people are not the same, the subjects are getting harder. I know a lot of people but I am friendless, we havent even started the hard parts in our subjects but I can feel the weight already. Believe me its so heavy & I am the friendly robot when it comes to people in school ; I hardly ever feel anything towards anyone there. I am stranger than ever there. I like the idea of school when I am home, but the moment I step inside I experience this rush of frustration. I dont know. I just long for understanding, always have been. I am busy now but the weird thing is that I really am bored more than ever & I dont get any comfortable thinking about this. I just need something new, someone new. But as I previously stated ; incentives are not frequent occurrences in my world, usually they are just false alarms to raise my hopes up high then crash me down low. I need a sound solid one now to keep me going. All I could possibly do now is hope; like I havent been hoping my entire life. But again, thats really the only thing in my grasp; to urge the fates to throw a motivation my lane. A wish.

Meanwhile I havent completely surrendered, the unimproved me wont take dissatisfaction for an answer so I came up with some ideas to keep myself refreshed & feeling better. They will not cause drastic changes though but they will matter eventually & thats all I can hope for. I really did not like how I've been feeling since I started school, but I will do anything to prevent this from being a constant factor during the whole four years.

I CAN!

Another thing that saved me was a small block note that helped me vent anywhere when I was on the verge of breaking down. Its like a small friend to keep me company when the black cloud hovers over me. Trust me, its not over yet. Its far from over. My birthday is due in three weeks & Im kinda excited for that : )
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November 12, 2009

Find your own path, bitch

Hello.


Stress is one feeling that I absolutely loathe & can not stand. It is the ultimate enemy that can cause your motivation & your hope to fade into thin air, I have been going through one hell of a yo-yo state these past whole week.Why is that?

Stress.

That invisible force that keeps on demolishing everything you're working for. I am stressed. Every single living cell inside me is bound by this unexplainable pressurizing sensation & its too much. I feel like running till I have no breath left to keep me going, I feel like screaming till my voice fades out. But that wont help me figure anything out I know what I want. I know how to get it, but why the hell am I confused? I spent the whole morning talking to myself in full volume, I do that when I am super stressed out & can not find any other way. I make the voices in my head manifest & bring the conversations out loud, seems crazy I know. But thats me anyway & I dont mind it. I spent the whole day listening to crossover music with piano, some way to relieve me of this great stress I have been going through. I LOVE PIANO (!) My favorite musical sound ever :) I am actually doing all the thinking part here while I am writing so when I say that I actually got addicted to them you have to be sure that its perfectly impulsive. But now that I am facing the end of a long long day I am still stressed. I still am compressed. There comes the question that you've been asking yourself all along, why are you feeling like this in the first place?! Well, I have no clue. There are a thousand ways that could lead to this stressful phase, & I dont know which one in particular. Is it the exam results? The genuine fact that I havent studied anything that I was supposed to be studying? Need to lose weight perhaps? Am I afraid not to go on with it & return back into my old ways? Is it H? Or that I wont be seeing my dad for a pretty much long time? Maybe I am just fed up of everything & everyone that I turned into an apathetic brat. How about friends? The idea thats been growing everyday in my head that I barely have any true friends, that everybodys just fake as fake can be. Family? Nothing is stable, or people? Absolutely, people are all about confusion and instability. Loneliness? Pfft.

If I tried to enumerate every possible reason that could cause this stressful sensation I could use up hundred pages. So I'll stop here cause I dont know. Just so you know, I am not upset. I am not angry, no. I am only stressed out. Petrified of the unknown, maybe cause all this time I have been convincing myself that I have a clue when in fact I dont. I am clueless. I dont get it. I'd be lying if I said I understood whats going on. My lifes spinning so fast, I cant breathe. Theres no more time to analyze things, to try to understand. & if I tried to process everydays situations & problems I will end up clueless again. Maybe theres a bigger picture. Maybe I am not supposed to understand. Maybe I am destined to just notice & give no reaction. Destiny. Huh. We're back to the start. Am I trying to defy fate? But fate cannot be defied, cannot be modified. Its what God intends for you. And its you who's got to choose the right path instead of the wrong one. If there's one thing I know & am sure about is that I wont choose the wrong path. Not anymore. I've done mistakes, I am imperfect. But now that I know better I'll just use my judgement, which I highly believe in. Its not the wrong that I am afraid to choose, its the unknown thats worrying me. How am I supposed to cope when I am all lost? Okay I am thinking. What about faith? Isnt it the only comfort when you're all alone & afraid? I guess the answer is yes.

Destiny. Kismet. Fate. Fortune. Faith.

A chain that probably sum up into one thing. Its funny how I had no idea what the hell was I talking about five minutes before & now Im just so deep into understanding it. All I got to do is have faith in how things are going to end up. The word Kismet is now taking over my cloudy mind & clearing up everything. I'll vent my way out. I will find my own path.
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November 11, 2009

Welcome Back, Aizod!

Hello.

Yesterday, my mum & I went to catch a movie. We were suppose to watch Jennifer's Body, but then we ended up watching This Is It. God, it was fantastic. The dancers' bodies made me go speechless. And Michael Jackson, haih its just a total ruin that he did plastic surgery :( When the movie ended, it was kinda hard for me to believe that Michael Jackson has passed away. He looked so healthy, fine.

Anyway, its been ages since I just had the time spending with my mum minus Norbert. Its not that I hate spending time the three of us, but yeah a daughter still needs her time with her mum only, right? Hihi. Aizad will be coming back in approximately 12 hours. Huraah! & Babah will be going to Mekah in 48 hours & will be coming back here after five weeks, so that means I wont be seeing him for my birthday. Wow. Last year my mum wasnt there for my birthday & this year is my dad. Next year who? Hmm.
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November 10, 2009

People Change Only When They Feel Like It


Hello.


You keep on telling people that I should change. Oh, why? Im trying my best to be myself & Im not going to change just to fucking impress you nor others.
Dude, if you cant stand me, then do your pleasure by buzzing off.
Dont be my friend if you are talking behind my back. I dont need a pretender.
You've change, look in the mirror & see what you have become.

Everyone hates you.
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November 9, 2009

Kicking asses

Hello.




Today I went to Sonia's. Ate at SR & had a very random conversation. I dont even know how it happened. HAHA. Then we walked around the housing areas, & there was this park, claimed Sonia that park is haunted. She said one of her friends hanged there at three in the morning & saw a small kid running around the place. And apparently when she told me that, we were actually at the park. I had fucking goose bums for goodness sake. So we walked back home, got vain, (typical, hihi) & watch some movies until my mum came. Thats all (:

I had fun.
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November 8, 2009

Sunday Morning.

Hello.



These are words strung together with no real meaning & with a childish lack of punctuation, in a way it feels so simple like it used to be when we were young. Sunday morning & my voice is gone but my heart is full. Yet this does not mean it is heavy nor hard to carry as it does not burden, but lifts me up & keeps me here a bit like gravity. A contradiction though my body is in a constant struggle between you & the hope I feel its just so easy.
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November 7, 2009

Imaginary Parallel World

Hello.


I have never noticed how beautiful the glimmering lights in the horizon are. I looked this way a thousand times before & yet failed to notice the beauty of it. I sighed, because this says a lot about me & it says a lot about you too. I failed to realize how fond I am of my balcony either, or how I deep inside longed to move my bed in & spend the nights. Why cant I wake up to the sounds of the thousand birds floating in my deep blue sky? Why cant I open up my eyes to greet the green plants my mum takes care of? Or meet the piercing morning breeze that freezes me inside out? Do the sun rays puzzle you? Because maybe they puzzle me all the same. I wonder if what I want is always possible. Because what you want will always be possible no matter what. Mine isnt. Its always shadowed by something I havent figured out yet. I smile because I believe. When my dreams materialize in front of me they will prove me right. When they dont I will still believe because I have to believe in them to let them believe in me. Its a full cycle, but you already know that anyway. When I perform magical spells & give in to the words will you still believe me? Dont you worry. Everything will come around, I just need more time. Time will work everything out ; because thats what its here for. Our issues, they can solve themselves. Because we're not interested, we cannot change what doesnt want to be changed.
I will mend my shards of a heart first because I dont need it if its not intact. Yours is sound, is pure & I trust you. Close your eyes & surrender to the unknown, we dont know it for a reason. A better reason than all the unoriginal ones we've come up with. Trust me. Close your eyes & you'll see me in the nothingness. I glow in whats not real. Thats my gift & curse. Do you still think Im unworthy of your recognition? Fine. I have my own imaginary parallel world. You see people, objects & the entire life through your own lens. There is no right or wrong. There is flawed lenses. We have a pair. They say many things about me, some are true ; the rest are not. Believe in what you see.
Just do not forget that your lens is flawed.

Open up & inhale, sink in the oceans of perceptions. I dont need to think anymore about you, or about them. I am better off, for now. I think I should start thinking about new things. Exotic things. Please dont consider the past events because they are fixed. They are forgotten and forgiven. The moment is now. Right now. You could be anyone you'd want to be. Just wish. The moment is now. Right now. I could be anyone I'd want to be. I just have to want it & when they laugh at us we'll just hide the smirks on our faces because they dont know. We will stand our ground because our little hearts know that its all a dress up game. They just dont know. We will stand our ground because deep in our little hearts we know we yearn for this. Lets stick to what we feel & not what we know. Feelings are the uncontrollable, the unforgettable & the unscathed things we own but cannot grasp. They are the things that have the greatest impact on us. Our feelings are what we know.. are what we are so sure of that we know we cant go wrong. Hold on to them, they will guide you to the shimmering light in the horizon. Do you think I will let them control me?
I walk, I talk, I eat, I drink, I think, I exist & co-exist. I control. I exist & co-exist even if I inhale & exhale this little amount of the invisible molecules of air. I exist, & I am in control of myself. I am just no longer interested in controlling their actions. Not anymore. Yes, I finally do know how to exist.

I found you.
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The Final Beat.

Hello.

Being infinite is like running & running, to anyone & anywhere : your legs pumping & your hair flying, it's as though you've broken and you've escaped from normal boundaries. You're everywhere, all at once, filling the world with all you've got. There's no looking back, no planning ahead. Right here, right now, there's just you. I think that being infinite is like the feel of the sky between your fingers, you dont really know, but its definitely there, (within your grasp, your every breath) surrounding your being.
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November 6, 2009

Lets Fly Away Now.

Hello.



My finger tips are holding the cracks in our foundation & I know tht I should let go, but I cant.

Because sometimes I feel like I am constantly waiting. Im waiting for someone & something, anyone or anything. Im waiting for truths & answers & reality to hit me hard.
It doesnt, though ; it never does. Reality more or less catches me, like if I were to bungee jump over the edge falling and faling and falling and falling & then to be caught & pushed up again, thats what reality does to me. You are so grateful to be alive, adrenaline pumping, hands shaking, lungs aching, & the look in your eyes then the people dilate in the most beautiful fear.
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November 5, 2009

You took my breath away

Hello.



the air you breathe at midnight
is full of ghosts of words you have not dreamed,
forgotten memories, days and years,
regretful tears before goodbyes,
the life & love of everything & everyone.

sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight
of all those unspoken words I am not yet brave enough to pronounce.
Posted by at

November 4, 2009

Butterfly Fly Away

Hello : )




Dear Tummy,

Im sorry for the butterflies lately, but I swear its not my fault.
It's his ♥

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November 3, 2009

By best nature.

Hello.


Okaaaay, so whats up with the History channel showing all of these end of the world programs? Like I’ve been watching the Armageddon Week (7 signs of the Apocalypse). The first episode was about the dinosaurs & how they all disappeared, like was it really about the meteorite that hit the earth or was it something else, like a deadly disease? Last night’s episode was Cosmic Apocalypse. It did kinda scare me just thinking of what might happen YEARS & YEARS from now. The guy also said that light would be a faint distant memory & black holes will rule the universe. Scaryyyy. They also mentioned Thermodynamics & *sighs* yes, Quantum Physics. Im not some Science professor to explain this but yeaaaaaaaah.
After the Cosmic Apocalypse, it was Cities of the Underworld & again its about the Apocalypse and Jerusalem. Life After people is another program, but the program I surely cant afford to miss is Nostradamus: 2012.
I was just wondering “Life After People”, what could be the reason why the Earth’s population then would be 0? Could it be after the second coming, Mother Nature got high on crack and starts destroying everything man made?

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November 2, 2009

You'd always be the one.

Hello.


"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways
you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater.
The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences.
And thats the key.
It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece.
Love can make up for a lot. "
Posted by at

November 1, 2009

No-Vem-Ber

Hello.

Lets hope the holidays will come fast!
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